5.1   
Why everyone
needs to learn assertive influencing  techniques

No matter what your job role may be, at some point you will need to influence other people.

You might need to persuade
them that your idea for developing a new product is best. You may need to motivate or inspire your team. Even forming positive
working relationships entails some degree of influencing behaviour - you need to exert such a positive
impression upon another person that they are convinced of your value to them as a contact or even future business partner. If you want to progress in your career,
it is important to master the art of influencing other people, without engendering resentment. Influence
is a highly sought-after skill amongst leaders so, if you aspire to a promotion or a position of responsibility, learn how to be a positive influence!

 

5.2 How to influence
someone in an assertive manner

*Remember that influencing people is not same as coercio

 

Nobody likes to be around someone who aggressively puts their views across and tries to make everyone
else fall in line around them. By contrast, someone
who is assertive and merely puts their opinions out into the world with quiet confidence is very attractive. Someone who tries to influence
others is proactive,
not a passive complainer. Approach
the notion of influencing others with this mindset and people will respond positively
to you.

*Acknowledge a person's current situation and why they may not want to change

 Influencing someone is not as straightforward as outlining the reasons why they ought to change
and then expecting them to act upon it. You need to understand and respect the fact that people act in the way they do for a reason,
whether that be their prior experiences, habits or expectations. Take the time to fully appreciate, using active listening
techniques and the other person's
perspective. Summarise their points, to make sure that you have understood.

*Spell out the benefits that they will enjoy, if they come to appreciate your view

 A primary human concern that we carry with us in both our personal and professional lives is 'What's
in this for me?' Even those of us who are giving by nature automatically stop and wonder what we are going to get out of any given situation. Respect this tendency.
Whenever you propose a new idea, take the time to make it very clear as to what is in it for them. If you are struggling to come up with a few points,
rethink your idea - are you working
for the benefit of yourself
and others or are you simply trying to impose your will?

*Learn more about what motivates a particular individual and tailor your approach to fit this information

Everyone is motivated
by different factors. Although humans share common wants and needs - for example, we all like to feel accepted, appreciated, and challenged - each individual will have their own priorities. For instance, one may be concerned with opportunities for promotion in the coming year, whereas another may be happy to stay in their current role but would like the option of flexible working hours. If you take the time to ask people about their ambitions
and the factors that  would 
improve  their  productivity, 
you  can focus on 'selling'
particular aspects of your ideas or plan to them.

*Thank someone with sincerity when they show willingness to even consider changing the way they ususally behave

Change is scary for many people. When somebody goes so far as to voluntarily consider,
even hypothetically, making significant alterations that happen to fall in line with your suggestions, thank them for being open-minded. What might seem like an obviously good change for you may not feel this way for them so take care to let them know how much you appreciate their willingness to change.

*Use subtle compliments

Show that you respect the intellectual capacity of others by slipping
in subtle compliments.

 For instance, Suppose you are trying to persuade a member of your team to use a new piece of software on a project
on which you are both working - it will not hurt your cause to casually
mention that they are so good at working with the current equipment that you can understand their hesitancy to change.

*Set a great example

This approach does not lead to overnight change but, over a period of weeks and months, it can be highly effective. Basically, if you want other people to behave in a certain way or uphold particular
values, you must act in such a way that gives them an example to follow.
Yes, you can coerce or threaten people into doing your bidding or force them to appear more productive, satisfied
and so on; however, it is much more effective
(and creates a more pleasant work environment) to actually live out these values for yourself.

*Establish yourself as a transparent individual

If you already have a reputation as an honest person with the best interests of other people
at heart, this can even buy you the benefit
of the doubt in some situations. You do not have to be perfect
but you should strive to live up to your core values at all times. Never underestimate the power of a great reputation.

Activity

Estimated Time: 10 minutes

Imagine that you have to lead a small team that has been asked to devise several new marketing concepts or strategies, in advance of an upcoming
product launch. The deadline is tight and you have noticed over the past few weeks that one team member in particular has not been working to their usually
high standards. How could you use the tips and techniques above to ensure that the team pulls together and delivers great results?

5.3    How to be assertive in any situation.

Sometimes it can be helpful to have a process in place for reaching the
right decision.

In this module,
we will go through a basic three-step decision-making process that will help you to choose the right way to act, even in tense situations.

Remember that, unless there is an emergency
or you are working in a crisis zone, it is usually possible to call for a time-out.
Excuse yourself, go to the bathroom or get a drink of water. Breathe.
Remind yourself that, in a few weeks, months or years, this will probably
all be forgotten. People handle tough situations
all the time and so can you!

Before making any hasty decisions, stop and find out as much as you can. Take the time to listen to all relevant
parties and use your assertive
communication skills to ask appropriate questions that will let you work out your options.

Step 2: Weigh up your options and state your needs.

Whether out loud or just to yourself,
work out everyone's
needs in the situation. What are your top priorities?

For example, Do you need to get through a project with the least amount of stress possible?
Do you just want to hold onto your job so badly that you are not too concerned
about the possibility of relocation? Take time to re-centre yourself
and focus on what you need. Think of several
possible reactions. Which would give you the most favourable
outcome in the long run?

Step 3: Carry out the best plan of action that will help you move forward.

Having decided on your options,
you are now in the best possible place to pick the plan that most closely
aligns with your needs, and to carry it out.

Let's look at an example of how this might work in practice, Suppose you are invited into your boss'
office and told that, due to reorganisation of the company, your job role will be moved to a new
location over 100 miles away. You have a choice: to move and keep your job or to leave with a month's pay. Your boss wants an answer within a couple of days. Although you are shocked, you manage to gather all the necessary
information by asking questions - how long would you have before this relocation? How secure is the job over the next couple of years?
Now you have the opportunity to make an informed decision.
That evening, you take stock of your needs and realise that, at the moment, stability
for your children
is very important. You know that, despite
the job security being offered,
you cannot and will not disrupt this stage of their education. As a result, you feel comfortable in turning down the relocation, asking for a reference when applying for new work, and explaining the reasoning behind your decision.

Activity

Estimated Time: 10 minutes

Imagine that you have just received
an email from your line manager requesting
that, next week, everyone stays late at the office for an extra half an hour.

Due to your childcare commitments, this will not be possible
for you - or at least, it will cause you and your children
a great deal of inconvenience. Apply the three steps above. How could you devise a plan of action and execution
that will allow you to get your own needs met, yet still take into consideration the requirements of your job and organisation?

5.4   
Empathy, Discrepancy, Consequence and Responsive Assertion Techniques

This module will take a closer look at assertive
communication techniques, some of which are especially
useful when dealing with challenging situations.

These tips will really help you as you build relationships with others. You will no longer have to feel frustrated at not getting
your needs met. Instead, you can feel assured that even when things do not turn out as you would like, you have used advanced communication skills and handled the situation
to the very best of your ability.

*Demonstrating empathy

Many situations can be diffused
with an empathic response and this is no less true when it comes to stating your own needs without interfering with the rights of others. When you use empathic assertion,
you are recognising another person's situation or needs before stating your own.

For instance, Suppose you need to speak to your boss about booking time off for a medical appointment - you can see through the door to their office that they are busy. In this case, a polite 'I know you're busy right now but I'd be grateful
if….' approach can work well. In this way, you are making your needs and wishes known but also making it clear that you respect the time and rights of other people. To continue
with this particular example, your boss will now be more likely to accommodate your request than if you had simply charged into their office, demanding their attention.

*Dealing with discrepancies

It would be wonderful if people stayed true to their word; unfortunately, as we all know, this does not always happen!

For instance, You may be waiting for a junior colleague to deliver a report and the deadline
was two days ago - how should you handle discrepancies? By sticking to the facts, stating them in a calm tone of voice and then assertively stating what you wish to happen. In this case, you could say, 'Last week, we agreed that you would send me the document
by Wednesday - it is now Friday.
I would like to receive
it by Monday afternoon - please tell me whether
this is a realistic expectation.'

This approach helps you to remain calm and gives the other person little reason to fight back. You are not attacking
them but rather setting out the way in which their actions have gone against their word and striving for a peaceful
resolution. It is helpful in these situations to have a written or electronic record to which you can refer so make it a general
policy to always keep written
confirmation of deadlines
and other agreements. Do not rely on verbal assent alone!

*Making consequences clear

Being assertive means not only taking responsibility for your own actions but making it clear to other people what the consequences of their behaviour
will be.

If, for example, someone
is underperforming in your team, it is up to you to be assertive
in reminding them what will happen if they do not amend their behaviour.

For instance, you say the following: 'You have been late several times over the past week and missed two deadlines this month. If you persist in underperforming, there is a real possibility that you will have to attend another disciplinary hearing.
I do not want this to happen. Please tell me how we can move forward together so that your performance improves.'

Note that this should not be delivered
in an aggressive tone of voice. Remain focused on the present moment - how can you and the other person
handle this constructively? How can you find a solution that works for you both?

When dealing with discrepancies and outlining consequences of negative behaviour, avoid making generalisations about someone's
character, as this typically sets the stage for confrontation.

In the example above, it would not be helpful to say 'You are always late!' or 'You keep underperforming - what are you going to do about it?' because both statements increase
the likelihood of an aggressive
response as the other person fights to prove that they are not 'always'
late or that they are not 'underperforming' in every area of their work.

*Responsive assertion

This is about ascertaining what another person wants to do, in such a way that is not overly aggressive or controlling.

For example, In using responsive
assertion, you may make use of phrases such as 'What would you like to do in relation
to X?' and 'Please tell me how you've found using the new database
- are there any glitches
I need to be aware of?'

If someone is unhelpful in their response
or even asks outright why you need to know, respond in a suitably
assertive manner. Simply saying 'I need to know of any potential
problems because the new database
is being rolled out across the entire organisation next week' may be enough of an explanation to diffuse any tension.

Activity

Estimated Time: 5 minutes

Think back to the most sensitive or difficult situation
you have had to handle in your working life to date. How did you respond?

Was it with an appropriate level of assertion
or did you find that, in your panic, you used a less adaptive
approach? Did you use any of the above techniques?

5.5    Escalating your Assertiveness Level

Choosing to interact with other people in a new way can feel like a daunting prospect.

Most of us have been carrying around the same old habits and ways of relating
to others for years. Give yourself time and be patient when trying to improve your interpersonal skills.

Make low-level day-to-day changes

You can start building a reputation for yourself as an assertive
and confident person based on first impressions alone, before you even make any modifications to your behaviour!
Remember the importance of body language
in conveying assertiveness? Starting today, promise
yourself that, at all times, you will attempt to maintain good posture and to present
yourself as someone
neatly-groomed and with a high level of self-esteem.

Start Small

Have you been meaning to make a small request
of someone but keep putting
it off?

Setting yourself a small challenge
like this is a great way of building up to bigger acts of assertiveness. Make this the week you finally ask the Site Manager to come and fix the air conditioning!

A starting point that many people find helpful is to experiment
with 'I' statements. Get in the habit of stating
your wants and needs where appropriate.

For instance, If you require
help with a project and need to ask someone for their assistance, try opening the discussion by saying something
like 'I am finding it difficult to manage this workload alone. I would like to ask you whether it would be possible to get your help with this.'

Another good first step is learning to say 'No' to unreasonable demands. The next time somebody
asks you for a favour that causes you inconvenience or negatively impacts upon your life in some way, tell them that you cannot do it for them. Do not offer to carry out the task another time or give in to any temptation to make lengthy apologies or offer explanations. Remember, 'no' is a complete
answer in itself.

Try to spend time with other assertive people

If you are lucky enough to have confident,
assertive friends or colleagues, spend time with them whenever possible.

Notice how they conduct themselves. Become a psychologist. Take some field notes. Over time, you will find yourself naturally
mimicking their behaviours. This will build a virtuous
cycle in which you become more attractive
to assertive and confident people, giving you the opportunity to further observe
and learn from these behaviours.

Read more material about assertive communication and building self-confidence

Many books, websites and online seminars have been created around the topic of assertive behaviour.

Why not spend half an hour each week reading this kind of material?
It will serve as a reminder of what you are trying to achieve and can be interesting in its own right. A quick Google search for 'assertiveness skills' will bring up some potentially useful pages.

Do not just see assertiveness as something that ought to remain confined to work.

As with any skill, assertiveness becomes easier the more frequently
it is practised. Do not allow yourself to become passive or aggressive
as soon as you leave the workplace!
There is no sphere of your life that will not benefit when you increase your assertiveness level.

Do some personal work if necessary, to discover your core values and direction in life.

Assertiveness is underpinned by self-acceptance and you cannot accept yourself
if you do not know who you really are and what you want from life.

Consider your values.
What do you think makes for a 'good life'? How do you think a moral person ought to behave? Do you manage to live up to your own standards
and maintain a sense of self- respect and dignity?
If not, how might you need to change?

Where are you next heading in life? This seems like a weighty question
and not many people have an answer ready to hand! That is fine but it is important
to realise that, if you do not take your wants, needs and desires seriously, then you will struggle to maintain an assertive persona. You need to have faith in yourself, if others are to respond positively to you.

Talk to others who are also trying to become more assertive.

If you have a close friend or trusted colleague
who is also interested in personal development, consider 'checking in' with them on a regular basis. Perhaps you could agree to talk about the progress that you are both making once a week or once a fortnight
over a coffee. Do not forget to use this opportunity to practise some of your new skills,
such as active listening!

Activity

Estimated Time: 15 minutes

If you find the thought of escalating
your assertiveness level to be scary, try devising a list of scenarios or opportunities for practice that you find relatively less daunting.

For instance, whilst it might seem almost impossible to start putting forward your ideas in big meetings,
it may seem more manageable
to ask your boss for a few minutes of their time one morning.
Put together a list of small, medium and large-scale 'assertiveness challenges' and plan to work through them over an appropriate time frame.

5.6    Your Assertiveness Toolkit

You have almost come to the end of the course but your training  should represent the beginning of your new assertiveness skills.

5.7    Scenarios:

Disciplining a team member

Dealing with a negative team member or poor performance

Handling conflict, confrontation and aggression assertively

One of your colleagues appears to be
having a bad day and then behaves aggressively towards you when you explain that no, you cannot run a
few errands for them one afternoon as you have a high workload. How should you handle this?

Saying 'no' to unreasonable/ unrealistic demands

Dealing with anger

Agreeing deadlines with others

Telling others what you want- asking for things with self-confidence

Expressing opinions effectively - getting people to listen