In the previous section, we briefly looked at a definition of assertiveness.

Submissive people can and do occasionally make their opinions
and needs heard, but they tend to feel guilty when doing so, as though they have less of a right to exist and be happy compared with others. The root causes of this behaviour pattern
are complex but two common culprits are low self- esteem (meaning
that a person does not believe themselves
to be worthy of a peaceful, happy existence) and a family background in which, for whatever reason, they were taught to value others more than they value themselves.

  1.4    Aggressive Behaviour

An aggresive person is one who puts their needs before those of other people and who will go to almost any lengths to get what they want at the expense of others. 

Typically, these people will use angry communication styles, including hostile body language
and abrasive words whenever they try to make their feelings known. Aggressive people have little or no interest
in forming alliances
or cooperating with other people and will frequently try to get their own way via intimidation. There are subcategories of aggressive behaviour; often, when someone
is described as 'aggressive', the image that comes to mind is that of an angry person shouting
or throwing a tantrum. However,
it is important to be aware that aggression can also come in a more subtle flavour that some refer to as 'passive aggression'.

 A classic example
is the person who does not voice their dissatisfaction directly but acts in such a way that makes their displeasure known. For instance, a passive-aggressive
person who objects to the way in which their boss is handling
a large project may consistently show up to meetings late and maybe even sabotage
some of their team's efforts.
This pattern of behaviour can be extremely
toxic in the workplace, as it shuts down communication and can begin a vicious
cycle in which the underlying
problem is never fully addressed.

Manipulation is another way in which some people show aggression. Rather than stating
their problems outright or attempting
to negotiate, manipulative people consciously or unconsciously try to get others to go along with their agenda by triggering an emotional response.

 Suppose a manipulative person feels overworked
and wants some of their workload reassigned
to another team or colleague
- rather than holding a frank discussion with their boss, such a person may resort to acting as though the stress they are under is making them ill, perhaps even staging miniature
'breakdowns', complete with tears, until they get what they want, i.e., a lighter
workload. This kind of behaviour
can foster resent-filled, unhealthy relationships in the workplace.

 From an early age, aggression
tends to manifest itself differently between the sexes - in men, aggressive behaviour is more likely to take the form of 'classic aggression', such as overt hostility and intimidation; in women - who are typically socialised
to be more subtle and underhand in displaying dissatisfaction and aggression - passive aggression and manipulation can be more commonly observed.

  1.5    Assertive Behaviour

 Assertive behaviour consists of acting in such a way that your needs and reasonable requests are balanced with those of other people.

An assertive person does not cave in to requests,
as submissive people do, but neither do they act in an aggressive manner nor place undue demands on other people. An assertive person has a realistic self-image
- they know what they are capable of and know when they need to tell someone else 'no'. When they are annoyed by other people or external
events, they manage to talk about the issue openly, without bullying,
manipulating or lying to other people.

Activity

Estimated Time:20 minutes

 Assertiveness behaviour is generally considered to be the healthiest way to conduct yourself in both your personal and professional life but, at times, we all enact the three styles mentioned above.

Take a moment to think about three recent events or confrontations in which you have been involved that related to at least one other person. Can you think of a recent time whereby you have behaved
in a passive way? What about an aggressive way? Finally, think about a recent time whereby you were assertive.

Now think about the consequences of each communication style. In all likelihood, behaving in an assertive manner helped move you closer to a goal or helped others achieve theirs. As well as helping to
clarify the differences between the three styles of behaviour, this exercise
will also serve as a reminder that
you can choose to behave in a new way and that you can very quickly start applying the lessons that you will learn in this course.

1.6 The Essence of Assertiveness

We will now take a closer look at the components of assertive behaviour and also examine the very backbone of assertiveness: self-esteem.

A Recipe for Assertiveness

 *Knowing your value as a human being:

  You, as much as anyone else, are worthy of respect, politeness and common decency. In the workplace, you deserve to be valued in accordance
with the contribution that you are making. To assert yourself,
you need to believe that you are worthy of respect, simply by virtue of being alive.

*Knowing your rights as a human being:

 We will take a closer look
at your rights later on - for now, it is enough to remember that everyone has the right to be listened to, to have
their basic physical, psychological and emotional needs met and to be taken seriously.

*Knowing how to communicate with others in a range of situations:

Assertive people know that they can call upon their communication skills to help them through any situation, regardless of what life throws their way. They handle conflicts with skill, taking care not to escalate
the situation.

1.7    The Role of Self-esteem

What do all the above items on that list have in common?

They all link back to self-esteem. To have self-esteem is to simply hold yourself
in positive but not unrealistically high regard. It is to believe yourself
to be as worthy as anyone else. This forms an important
foundation for assertiveness as, without self-esteem, you are unlikely to feel able to stand up for your rights and communicate your mental, emotional
and physical needs.

1.8    How do you know whether
you have an appropriate level
of self-esteem?

Psychologists have put together various tests and scales but the set of questions
below should give you a rough idea. Essentially, the more 'Yes' answers you can give to the following
questions, the better!

Quick Self-Esteem Quiz

*Do you feel as though you are basically an OK person,
with roughly the same number of strengths
and weaknesses as anyone else?

 
*More often than not, do you think that you are competent
in your job?
 
*Are you able to accept compliments and praise from other people,
without feeling unduly
embarrassed or arguing back?
 
*Do you feel as though you are basically a decent and likeable person?
 
*When you make a mistake,
whether in your personal or professional life, are you able to forgive yourself, learn from the error and move on relatively quickly?
 
*When you identify
a new ambition or target for yourself,
do you believe that, despite
the inevitable setback
here and there, you are capable of reaching your goals?
 
*If you realise that somebody
is treating you badly, do you have the ability to quickly pick up on it and to realise that you deserve better?
 
*Do you then draw the other person's attention to their poor treatment of you?

*Do you take care of your health
- eating well, exercising regularly, taking time to relax and going to the doctor as soon as you feel unwell?
 
*Do you feel as though you are a person with something
to offer the community in which you live?
 
*Do you share yourself with others, perhaps by volunteering or taking on a position
of responsibility as part of a community
group?
 
*Do you recognise
the value you offer to others, for instance in your romantic relationships, workplace
relationships, and to the world at large?
 
*Do you believe
that, whatever happens,
you ultimately have the ability
to make things 'all right' again?
 
1.9 Dealing with low self-esteem

What should you do if you feel as though your self-esteem is low?

 Often,
acting 'as if' can help. For instance, if you act as
though you value yourself - taking care of your body, putting in the time and effort to finding suitable partners,
developing a career that appeals to you, relaxing when you need time alone and so forth - you will start to feel a greater sense of self-value.

Assertiveness training, such as that contained within
this course, can in itself
bolster self-esteem. It can give you the tools you need to interact with other people in such a way that helps you carry yourself with a sense of purpose and worth. It is a positive
cycle - the greater the extent to which you act as though you have a decent level of self-esteem, the more natural it becomes.
In turn, you are then more likely to behave assertively. Your self-image becomes that of a self-assured, assertive person who knows how to behave appropriately in most situations.
Sometimes chronically low self-esteem can be a sign of a more serious problem such as depression or anxiety.  If you suffer from either of these conditions or from another mental illness,
seeking appropriate treatment
will trigger a rise in self-esteem as your symptoms
lift. If you suspect that your self-esteem is so low that it is having an adverse impact on your overall life, it may be time to make an appointment with a GP or therapist
and get some professional help tailored to your specific difficulty.
 
 There is no definitive theory or answer that can fully explain why some people are more prone to low self-esteem than others. Current
psychological thinking suggests
that it is a mixture
of genetic or inherited predisposition combined with life experiences and the parenting
styles to which we were subjected as children. For instance If you grew up in a home in which you were not made to feel valued and loved simply for being yourself, it is likely that, as an adult, you will feel the need to 'prove yourself'
in some way, in order to gain attention and validation. This can be a difficult
cycle to break and recognition is the most vital first step.