4.1   
The power of body language

You can choose your words carefully and
try your best to sound assertive but,
if your body language is not congruent
with your attitude,
then other people are not going to be convinced
that you are truly assertive.

Once you have mastered the basics of assertive verbal behaviour, it is time to consider how you present yourself
generally.

4.2   
What does assertive body language look like?

If you bear in mind that true assertiveness starts with the right mindset and deeply held self-esteem, it becomes easier to conceptualise what assertive body language looks like - it is the posture
and general appearance of somebody who knows that they are as worthwhile as
any other human being and has no problem letting this attitude
shine through.

 An assertive person will typically
stand and sit upright. They do not slouch or round their shoulders, as is often the case with passive individuals. They will avoid unnecessary posturing, as seen in some aggressive or arrogant people. An assertive
person walks with measured strides, keeping their head straight
and their gaze steady. They smile when others make eye contact which conveys the impression that they are comfortable with the world and their place within it.

 When an assertive person shakes your
hand, they will not hesitate to initiate contact, shake firmly and let go relatively quickly. They
maintain an appropriate amount of eye contact, neither looking away or down at the floor, as seen in shy
or passive people, nor staring in an aggressive or hostile fashion. An assertive person always gives the impression that they wish to engage with others in a friendly manner that does not come across as overly familiar,
threatening or invasive.
They know that it is inappropriate to touch people whom they do not know well beyond a handshake. They make appropriate use of personal space, too - passive people are often reluctant
to get too close whereas aggressive people are often inclined to invade the personal space of those they wish to coerce or threaten.

4.3   
How to appear more confident

Now that you have a good idea of what assertive body language looks like, it is time to practise
it!

Practise standing, walking and sitting in this way, alone, in front of a mirror. It might feel ridiculous at first but do it anyway! If you feel as though it is having no effect at all, then feel free to stop after the first minute but, in all likelihood, you will find that, when you begin to act in a more confident
fashion, your mood will follow suit.Research shows that, when people force their bodies into certain positions, they are more likely to feel emotions
congruent with that pose. For instance, adopting
a confident 'power pose' is likely to make you feel empowered
and creative. Encouraging yourself to smile, even if you do not feel like it, is actually one of the fastest and most effective ways to alter your mood.

Another trick to appearing more confident is to always know what to say. So many people feel nervous in social settings,
even those with which they are familiar,
such as their office, because they feel as though they have nothing to talk about. If this describes you, then prepare! Always have a couple of topics ready, if you find yourself in the coffee room or sitting with your colleagues
at the beginning of a meeting. Your conversation does not have to be earth-shattering or particularly original - in fact, most people find mundane
small talk to be quite reassuring.

There is nothing wrong with sticking with a few comments about the weather,
asking someone what they are doing at the weekend or how things are coming along with that big project to which they were recently assigned.

Positive thinking is another useful tool in appearing more confident. Although
you are unlikely to walk around telling
everyone that you are making a concerted
attempt to feel more upbeat and to see the best in every situation,
your efforts will show in your demeanour
and improve your image as someone with a healthy amount of self-confidence.

As with moods and attitudes
in general, confidence
is contagious. Therefore, one of the best long- term fixes for low self-confidence is to deliberately seek out and enjoy the company of others that exude confidence, that are happy with their lives and that enjoy helping out other people. We all know people who leave us feeling
happier or more optimistic about life, after a while spent in their company - these are the people with whom you need to spend more time! Avoid those who take a pessimistic attitude
towards life, who exhibit negative
body language most of the time and talk badly about themselves and others. Life is short and challenging enough, without voluntarily spending time with people who drain your precious vitality.

 Do not forget seemingly superficial quick fixes when it comes to boosting
your confidence. Ensuring
that your clothes fit you well, your nails are neat and your hair is appropriately groomed are the very basics that you need to feel self-assured. It is surprising how far a new outfit or hairstyle
can take you in terms of confidence. These little details send a clear signal to yourself,
if nobody else - by taking care of your appearance, you are teaching yourself that you matter and are worthy of respect. Although it is not an instant fix, the easiest way to appear confident
is to organise - or at least, start to organise - your life on as many levels as possible.
Through taking responsibility for yourself, setting
goals and adopting
a positive mindset,
you will not have to think about appearing confident
because it will just come naturally.

Activity

Estimated Time: 10 minutes

Think of someone
you know personally whom others would describe as 'confident.'

Why, exactly, do you think that they
have this reputation? How do you know that their confidence is genuine and rooted in self-worth and a
positive attitude, rather than arrogance? How do they speak, carry themselves and interact with other people?

Once by realising what we have done right and where we need to improve can we develop our skills in the workplace. Therefore, it is vitally important
that everyone, no matter what their job role or level of seniority, receives
guidance on a regular basis informing them of their strengths and weaknesses. Only when we receive feedback
can we formulate goals for the future and reach our full potential.

 Unfortunately, feedback can become a fraught process
for those on both sides. Managers and supervisors may feel 'mean' or, if they are new to their roles, unqualified to offer such input to those whom they are supervising. On the other side of the equation,
those receiving feedback
may feel vulnerable, as though their very self-worth is on the line. Fortunately, with assertiveness training,
it is possible to benefit and perhaps
even enjoy the feedback process,
whichever side you are on.

 4.5   
Why it is important
to remain assertive
when giving feedback

If you are in a position in which you are obliged
to give someone else feedback
on their performance, it is important
to remember that they will probably be feeling nervous.

 Show them some compassion! Fortunately, if you make an effort to behave in an assertive manner,
you will find the right balance between authoritative and collaborative. You may feel as though you are ill-qualified to give feedback
but, in all likelihood, you were placed in your current role for a reason - you are perfectly capable
of fulfilling this task. Your first step then is to consciously decide to act as though you have faith in your own abilities and conviction in your own opinion. Do not apologise
for the feedback that you deliver. If you hold a particular opinion, for example
concerning an employee's weaknesses or area in which they could improve, it is your job and your right to clearly communicate this.

 If the person to whom you are delivering feedback
is passive, merely sitting and nodding as you outline
your thoughts and ideas, it is up to you to behave assertively, by making it clear to them that they can respond to what you have said, without upsetting
or angering you. Ask them at regular
intervals during the feedback session as to whether they have anything that they would like to add or ask.

 If you are confronted with aggressive behaviour
from somebody that does not like the feedback that you are giving them, again, it is up to you to remain assertive, in order to handle the situation correctly. Remain steady in your beliefs as somebody
with something of worth to say and do not be cowed into changing
your feedback, on the basis of their opinion or preferences alone. Diffuse the situation by repeating their own paraphrased words back to them, ensuring
that they feel heard.

However, if you are truly convinced that you are correct in your original
assessment, stick by it! An important aspect of assertive
behaviour is knowing
when you are right and standing steadfast
in your beliefs.

 4.6   
Using assertiveness when receiving feedback

 If you have cultivated
an inner confidence and conduct yourself in an assertive
manner, the prospect
of receiving feedback,
for example, on your job performance, will not be a terrifying prospect.

 Whilst you may be nervous,
particularly if you have legitimate
concerns about an area of weakness or if you are on probation, your strong self-concept will allow you to receive criticism, without taking it as a reflection on your personality or life as a whole. Instead, you will be able to draw on your own self-confidence when receiving constructive criticism and use it to fuel further self-improvement, rather than either feeling unable to face it or reacting in an angry or aggressive manner.

 If you disagree with any of the feedback that you are given, use your assertiveness skills to speak up. Employ positive body language: sitting
up straight, speaking
in measured tones and maintaining eye contact. Explain
in a calm voice exactly why you disagree with the points that the other person has made. Tell them that you wish to understand what they mean.

Should the person offering you feedback behave aggressively, either shutting down your comments
or telling you straight out that they are right and you are wrong, you have a couple of options.
One method of dealing with such a situation is to say 'I think this feedback
is really valuable
but I'd like to explain why I feel it might not be representative of my performance. Would you mind if I told you what I thought?' This cuts straight
to the heart of the matter and even fairly aggressive people are unlikely
to tell you that no, you cannot speak! However, if the person in question is showing a high level of hostility, the smart and assertive option may be to thank them for their time and then discuss the issue with another colleague
or member of senior management
who can offer feedback in a more mature style.

Passive supervisors or those who are passive
in their feedback
style may feel reluctant to deliver anything
that looks remotely
like criticism or suggestions for improvement, for fear of starting an argument. If you are dealing with this kind of behaviour, you must assertively ask direct questions
and statements to draw out their potentially valuable feedback. Tell them that you would love to improve your performance and, although constructive criticism may not be the easiest thing to hear or deliver,
you would love some suggestions as to how you may improve. Nod and smile at appropriate points - encourage
them to share what they have noticed about you.

Activity

Estimated Time: 10 minutes

Think back to the last time that you had to give or receive feedback.

Did you behave in an assertive manner?
If you were on the receiving end of some feedback, did you agree with everything that was said? If
not, did you raise this with the other party? If you did, were you suitably assertive, neither backing down too quickly nor starting
an argument?

 If it was your job to deliver feedback, how did you strike a balance between appearing suitably
confident in what you were saying and taking care to remain sensitive to the other person's insecurities, fears and opinions?

 4.7   
Practising Active
Listening

 If you are to uphold your own rights whilst respecting those of other people, you need to make yourself
and others feel heard literally

To be actively
assertive, you will need to sharpen your listening skills, moving from simply registering whatever it is that another person has to say and progressing to active listening.

What is active listening?

If you have ever held a conversation with somebody who gives all the outward appearances of taking an interest in whatever you are talking about - looking at you, remaining
silent, nodding occasionally but doesn't really seem to be taking your message on board, you will already be intuitively aware of what active listening
is really about.

It entails demonstrating an ongoing respect for the other person's time and ideas. It sounds simple in theory, but in practice active listening is difficult. We have so many competing
demands made on our time that it is easy to become distracted, even when we truly like and respect the other person and want to know how they think or feel on a particular issue.

Read the following
list of active listening characteristics and see how often you truly engage with another
person. How might you become a more active listener?

What should you do when you practise active listening?

Register what the other person is saying, rather than just waiting for your turn. Sometimes we become too impatient
to make our views known and, as a result, pay less attention to what somebody
else is actually saying, as we wait our turn to jump in! Active listening involves
remaining 'in the moment' and taking a moment to digest what someone is saying, rather than leaping
in with our own contribution.

4.8   
Use positive
body language to demonstrate respect for their
contribution.

 Even if your intention is to actively
listen, when your body language
tells a different story, the other person is not going to feel comfortable or respected.

Ensure that you are facing them; keep your body language 'open' - do not cross your arms or legs. Lean towards them, rather than away; maintain eye contact. Do not yawn, scratch or look at your watch. If you must look at the time, make it clear verbally that you have to keep an eye on the clock because
you have another appointment coming up and not because you are uninterested in what they have to say. Nod occasionally when they make a significant point. Mirroring is also a valuable
technique. To increase
the other person's
comfort level, subtly mimic their body language.

For instance, If they are sitting with one arm on the table and the other in their lap, slowly move so that you are doing the same. If they are tilting
their head to one side, start to do the same. This will make them feel closer to you on a subconscious level and, as a result, they are more likely to open up to you. This makes for a more rewarding, open conversation.

4.9   
Use positive
verbal signals to indicate that you are listening.

 At no point should you interrupt the speaker.

 However, it is a good idea to use brief verbal cues to encourage
them, especially if you are dealing with a passive communicator who is hesitant in making their views known. A quick 'yes', 'mm' or 'go on' can provide them with a boost of confidence.

4.10   
Ask for clarification if you are unsure.

Human communication is imperfect and it is fine to ask someone to clarify
or repeat a key point.

Gently interject with 'I'm sorry, I didn't quite catch that. Could you rephrase…?' This does not make you look stupid or ignorant;
quite the contrary
- it gives the impression that you care enough about what another
person is saying that you are taking the time to truly get to grips with their message.

 4.11    Check that you have truly understood their most significant points.

Once somebody has finished making their point(s),
check that you have really understood what it is they have said or were trying to say.

People who tend towards a passive communication style may need you to state in clear terms what you have taken from the conversation thus far, before they feel comfortable adding any extra or forgotten
information. More aggressive
communicators can rapidly overload the conversation with irrelevant information and therefore breaking down the salient points into a summary at the end of the conversation can help you to sort out what is most important.

 4.12   
Use words and phrases
that indicate to the speaker
your appreciation of their thoughts
and feelings.

Most people do not just want to relay facts whenever they have a conversation with someone else - to feel truly understood, us humans like to feel as though
someone else really 'gets' the way something
makes us feel.

Active listening involves
not only registering the objective information that somebody else provides but also demonstrating that you can view the situation holistically.

For instance, Suppose you are talking with a colleague
one day and they are telling you about a project on which they are working - this project started
well but it has recently become apparent that the funding is insufficient. As your colleague
describes the problem, they begin biting their lower lip. You notice that one of their fists is slightly
clenched. Showing that you are listening to both the account of their experience and registering how it makes
them feel, you could say something like 'So it sounds like this project has turned out to be much less promising than you imagined
and it is making you pretty worried, maybe really quite annoyed?'.
Take care to maintain a caring, warm tone of voice that conveys gentle concern.
Do not patronise the other person.

 Activity

 Estimated Time: 15 minutes

 Practise
active listening with a partner.

Person 1 should ask Person 2 to describe the best and worst thing that happened
to them over the past week and then listen in an active and attentive manner. Now swap roles. Provide one another
with honest feedback
about the experience. Did you feel truly respected
and 'heard'? Why or why not?

 4.13   
Effective Questioning Techniques

How do we gather key facts, compile information and learn what others think and feel?

By asking questions, of course! Whether
it is a casual catch-up
with colleagues on the office floor or a formal setting such as a job interview, asking appropriate questions
in an assertive manner is a vital skill for success in the workplace
and at home. In this module, we will look at how to ask questions in a way that gets you results.

4.14   
How to ask questions
in an assertive manner - and get great answers!

 Have faith in your own questioning abilities

Once again, we return to a key theme of this course - that assertiveness is based in self-confidence and appreciation of your own worth as a human being. If you believe
that a question is worth asking, then go for it! Take your time when putting
together an interview
schedule or a set of questions in advance of a meeting. Believing that you have the right to the information that you need makes you more likely to take the necessary
steps in getting it.

 4.15   
Provide background information

 Respect that everyone's time is precious.

 Therefore, if you are in a position
whereby you need to ask large numbers of questions
or raise issues that require
a lot of thought, it is a good idea to provide
some background information at the beginning of the conversation.

 4.16   
If you want everyone's input, you may have to ask for it

 Let's say you are meeting with several people, and
you require their input on a particular topic.

 You address the group as a whole and ask for input. What is likely to happen? The most aggressive
communicators will be the ones who dominate
the conversation space, with assertive
individuals managing to make their views heard if they are lucky! Meanwhile, the shyest or the most passive people will not have the chance to let you know what they think.

 An assertive way to handle this situation
is to acknowledge from the start that you want and need everyone's input so will go around the room and ask everyone to contribute. If time is short, you could even explain that everyone will get a few minutes in which to speak and then you will wrap up the discussion at the end. This might sound rather formal but it is a sound method for ensuring that, in a room of diverse personalities and communication styles,
everyone gets a chance to voice their opinions.

 4.17   
Ask for further detail or clarification

  Do not be afraid to follow up a question
with another question. 

Remember, you have the right (within reason) to ask for as much information as you need, in order to make the best possible decision.
Take notes, if it will help you to retain key points. Simple prompts such as 'Could you tell me any more about that?' and 'I'd like to know exactly
what your thought processes were behind that answer.' can yield fuller responses.

4.18   
Avoid asking questions that could be perceived to violate the rights of others

 Everyone has the right to live free from violence, intimidation and invasive behaviour.

 This includes being asked invasive,
inappropriate questions! Do not be tempted to ask any question that goes against your company's
guidelines. For instance,
it is definitely not appropriate to ask someone
whether they intend to take time off in the next few months to have children.

 4.19   
Embrace silence

 A confident, assertive communicator will not panic during moments of
silence.

 It is fine to allow someone whom you are questioning a few seconds
to gather their thoughts. Another useful tip is to wait until you think that someone
has finished providing
an answer then to wait another three seconds. Quite often, when people are made to feel as though they can take all the time that they need, they will go to greater lengths to help you, by providing lengthier
and more detailed answers.

 4.20   
Know how to divert
irrelevant answers and rambling Responses

 Occasionally, you may receive more than you
bargained for, when you ask someone a question.